Writing a Book Is Like Falling in Love
My work improved so much once I came to love writing more than getting published.
I used to be in love with the idea of publishing a book as much as I used to be in love with love. Publishing a book, like finding a fantasy special someone, would somehow make me feel worthy of being in the world. And like chasing after that fantasy person, I was preoccupied with landing the best deal, finding the best publisher, selling the most books. But one difference between finding that dream love of your life and writing your dream book is that you have to look for your lover out in the world, whereas to write that book you have to look inside yourself.
Fairest from 1st draft (white pad) to 2nd draft (yellow pad) to 3rd draft (notebooks) to spiral-bound ms to proofs to galley to finished copy!
Over time, I realized that my obsession with publishing a book was overtaking my real desire to write one that represents what I specifically want to bring to the world, regardless of what happens once I finish. It was only when I set aside my fantasy ambitions that I found myself falling in love not with the fantasy of my book, but with my book itself.
This didn’t happen overnight; I’d spent nearly two years writing in a mode that in retrospect felt designed to appeal to and impress editors rather than myself. Because of how interested people have been in trans issues, there was a period of time when I tried to pigeonhole my complex narrative into that established narrative.
But as I got close to finishing the proposal for Fairest, in the midst of me building an editorial team as executive editor at them., I decided to spend ten days of my holiday break alone in a random hotel room so I could shut the world out and figure out what I wanted out of this book for myself. It was then that I came up with the title Fairest in the first place, which became a guide for what I wanted the book to be because it combined the themes of race, gender, and justice.
Over time, I became so much less focused on the fantasy of having a book published and much more obsessed with the writing itself, how I could explain my enormously complex life to myself first so that I can even begin to get people to understand it, how different pieces of experience can come together to form a satisfying work of art.
By the time I completed my draft, it mattered less to me that I’ll have a book out in the world than that I wrote something I’m proud of for myself, and have learned so much from that process of self-examination. I love my book not because of how impressive it is that I’m a published author or that it’s gotten praise (though those are nice too), but because it’s a manifestation of my complex experience in all its difficulty and imperfection.
For a forthcoming interview with, Blood Jet Writing Hour, I was asked how I felt about publishing a book during this pandemic, and I answered sincerely that there are much more important things to worry about than how my book does. While it’s true that it’s taken an enormous amount of effort to write it, my own personal satisfaction won’t be deeply affected by its sales.
Of course, I want the book to do well both for practical reasons such as being able to sustain myself, giving myself a better chance of publishing books in the future, and because I do think it has ideas and pleasures other people could benefit from. But at the end of the day, I’m already more than satisfied just having written it because, I’ve come to realize, I care about writing more than I do publishing my book, and that has made my book better.
If there’s one question I would ask anyone who wants to have a book out in the world, it’s this: do you care more about writing your book, or publishing it? What I’ve found, ironically, is that falling in love with my own book in all its intricacies ended up being how I found a path to getting it published. If I had to do it over again, I would have spent less time dreaming of publication and more time dreaming of words and how they fit into sentences, rhythm and structure, compelling scenes and dialogue, not so that an agent or an editor would pay attention, but because I love writing for its own sake, and writing well renders my experiences legible and beautiful to myself.
I’ve come to believe that if you love your own book, not for what it represents—ambition, accomplishment, worthiness—but purely for its own sake, then chances are that someone out there will love it too, and will want to put it out in the world.
MORE WRITING WORKSHOPS!
Wednesdays from 6 to 7 pm Eastern time on Zoom!
*** Please register for each session to get the password + email reminders
May 6, "What Kind of Book Should I Write?" (REGISTRATION LINK)
with Porochista Khakpour, author of two novels, a memoir, and the forthcoming essay collection, BROWN ALBUM
This is for writers in the early stages of planning a book, or ones pondering which type of work to focus on. Should you do an essay collection or a memoir or should I finish that novel? We'll talk about the practical and spiritual differences between trying to write and sell different types of books.
May 13, "How Editors Choose Books" (REGISTRATION LINK)
with Jackson Howard, freelance writer and assistant editor at Farrar, Straus, and Giroux
This workshop aims to demistify the process of how books get acquired and the considerations editors make in acquiring them. It's also your opportunity to ask a book editor any questions you have about that side of the industry.
May 20, "What Lifestyle Editors Look For" (REGISTRATION LINK)
with Elizabeth Kiefer, features editor at Cosmopolitan
This is for people who want to pitch stories to lifestyle publications that cover areas like fashion, beauty, wellness, travel, and technology. How are these pitches and stories different from other areas of media? What should writers consider when moving to these areas?
May 27, No Workshop Because It's My Book Launch! More Details Soon! :)
Yours in writing excitement,
Meredith
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